Dear Ted #60

Wow - it's my 60th letter to you. Just hard to put that into perspective. I told KayeLynn yesterday that I miss football. It's not just the game, but the time with you. Sitting on the couch while you sat on the edge of your chair - remote control in hand - ready to rewind and say, "watch this play!!". You don't realize what you miss until it's gone. And that is one of the things I miss. Even though we really didn't watch a lot of football your last year. You were kind of boycotting it. But, you did start paying a little more attention the season that you died. I truly am lost by sports now. Because of the pandemic, I just don't even know what is going on. I mean, I got a news update about the winnder of the World Series and I was like - the World Series was going on?? Just that kind of feeling. I had a full on PTSD attack the other day. I was at work. I had been sitting for a while, so I decided to see if I could go home. One of the red coats had been out by gate A15 so I went to see if she was there. I walked out of the breakroom and she wasn't there, but I saw another one outside the help desk. I walked out and she was kind of directing traffic. There was a man who collapsed. They were doing CPR on him. I saw for like half a second, just for a moment and I was in full panic mode. I was taken back to that night, where I watched them doing CPR on you. I watched them for an hour, man and machine, pumping your chest. I walked out, holding back tears best I could, for the entire journey to my car. One of the guys stopped me right before I got to the bridge to the parking garage. I completely burst into tears, sobbed my heart out, snotted into my mask. He walked me to my car. Sat with me until I was calm enough to drive home. It was horrible. Sad thing was, I knew the guy was out there, I wasn't really sure. I had no idea how that would affect me. No clue at all. I'm strong. I get through. I do things to avoid thinking about how much I miss you. But, every once in a while, I get thrown for a loop. We have Christmas up - almost. Still have stockings and stuff. But, I want to scrub the banister. It's really gross. Then stocking can be hung up. The stockings are going to be pretty sad this year. You aren't here to stuff them with doo-dads and such. And the drawer is empty now with all the little stocking stuffers that you had already purchased. The last of the little ones were taken to Randi and Joe. I got a teeny tiny tree. I just struggle dragging the bigger one up. So - when we were looking, I decided I was going to get a stinkin' little tree. And so I got two. One for the front window that looks like Frosty. One for the living room. I put it on the little table and put the tree skirt around it. It's really adorable and I think it's pretty danged perfect for this house. I love you to pieces. I miss you so very much. I'm sad you are gone, but I'm happy for you to hopefully be in a place of unlimited happiness.