Notes to Ted

Just sitting here thinking about you.  I was looking to find  a display box for your flag, the one from your funeral.  I want it special.  Just, right now, can't afford to spend a whole lot.  But, I want to put it up with your ashes and flowers.  Just really want it to be nice and special.  Because that is what you deserve. But,  it also has me getting a bit irritated.  I started thinking about how few have asked about you.  I know that people don't know what to say.  But, I have not heard one word since Steve left.  Never heard one word from your big boss Paul.  I mean, I even had  to kind of fight to get your vacation time that you earned.   Even your family haven't checked to see how I am right now.  Susan did for a while, but nobody just says, hey how are you doing?  I don't know why, all the sudden, that is  just really upsetting me.  I lost you.  You were part of  me.  I would think that people would at least reach out every once in a while and say, you doing ok

I miss when you would laugh really hard.  Just thought about that and needed to share with you. I can't believe you died before the apocalypse.  #loveyoumissyou

Oh my gosh!!!  What a crazy time and you're missing it.  You planned and planned for this.  And now you aren't here to be prepared for the rest of us.  So, after you died, this whole new virus started in China.  It's really not that fatal, like 3% of the people who get it die from it. The problem is, it is highly contagious.  And goes through a place like a fire in the hay. And generally, it's worse for those with other issues and the elderly.   In February it took down a few cruise ships and this month, it's made it's way to the US.  It's been through all of Asia, the middle East, the Caribbean, everywhere.  Now  it's here.  So - in order to kind of lower the exposure, they've asked people to have social distance.  There is a ban of gatherings with ten or more people.  The schools are  shut down for at least two  weeks.  Now restaurants cannot have people inside the restaurants, you have to do delivery, curb side, pick up or drive through.  It'

Happy 178th monthaversary. Damn, you would have been in your element with this shit going on.  It's  like the apocalypse.  I would have no room to store anything, we would have toilet paper up the wazooo and water in  every corner.  I imagine you giddy by this.  #loveyoumissyou

OKAY, today was a big day.  Your Jeep is no longer in our name.  Brandon went and got the financing for it and paid it off.  That gave me what I needed to start the process of refinancing our home for thirty fucking years.  I can't even take it.  It causes me so much stress that I am starting all over with this.  That  means after living here for fifteen years, I now have to pay for 30 more.  I'll be 88 fucking years old when it finally gets paid off.  WTF did you do to me???  I know that sounds horrible, but I hate that I am starting all over with this.  It means I'll never pay it off.  I'll either die or sell.   Who the  hell knows. I talked to you on the way home.  You really were the perfect match for me.  You let me be me.  I can't even imagine there is someone else out there for me that matches me like you did.  So, I'm not even interested in trying. I joined two different facebook groups for widows.  Both are for people of my age and older.  Holy crap

So here are a few of the things I can't do since you died: I haven't been able to change the fitted sheet on your side of the bed.  Or the pillowcase.  Harper and Penny have slept there, but I can't change them. Your water mug that sat next to you with your ice water has not been emptied or washed.  I know that is weird, but somehow it signifies you. I don't watch our TV shows for the most part.  I don't watch NCIS, Bull or a bunch of other shows. I can't sleep on days that I have to work.  I'm exhausted four days a week. I can't take strong sleepy drugs on those days, Melatonin does nothing for me anymore. I don't know if it's a subconscious thing, because you're not there to make sure I get up.  Whatever it is, I'm exhausted.  I'm actually thinking of going a night shift. I know there is more. That is just what I thought of.  And doing our taxes this year is sending me through anxiety hell.   #loveyoumissyou

Not a lot to say today, but I had to share this picture with you.  Crystal found it and it just screams TED.  It used to make me a bit crazy when you would mess with the cashiers and such.  Today, I  would give anything to hear you messing with them again.  #loveyoumissyou