Notes to Ted

So, I am planning to embark on a personal journey and goal. And it includes you. The basement. Oh good lordy, the basement. I can't even believe what you have down there. There is shizz that I have down there, too. But, it has to be done. I have to begin to get through it. So, after the first of the year, I'm going to do it. I heard the term "Death Cleanse" twice in one day. A couple of weeks ago. First by Rustie's mom showed me what she had been doing and called it a death cleanse. Then Randi said the same term and showed me the book she was listening to. So I just downloaded the book and am starting to read it. I am kind of excited about this new chapter. I am terrified about me leaving this world before this is done. I need to make sure my kids are not stuck with dealing with all of this. So - my plan is to go and spend a few hours every week down there. My other step in this is to do a will or a trust. I plan on making sure when the hous

Well, my love, it's Christmas. The second one without you. I hope you had a beautiful Christmas where you are. I have to say. I had a wonderful day yesterday. Christmas Eve, you know, CoCo Christmas. I was very excited this year for the holiday. I was very excited to spend it with my family. I loved it!! We had Fettuccini Alfredo, Garlic Bread and salad. Brandon brought wine. It was a good day!!! I was worn out!!! Today I worked. I traded shifts with one of the other girls so she could be home for part of the holiday and get home earlier. It wasn't a bad day to work eight hours. I only worked two flights. A delayed Vegas flight and Honolulu. Then at the Help Desk for two hours. I was pretty happy to get home, though. One more day and I'll get my weekend. So much cleaning to do now. I love you so much. I miss you so much. You are missed by everyone. #loveyoumissyou

Wow - it's my 60th letter to you. Just hard to put that into perspective. I told KayeLynn yesterday that I miss football. It's not just the game, but the time with you. Sitting on the couch while you sat on the edge of your chair - remote control in hand - ready to rewind and say, "watch this play!!". You don't realize what you miss until it's gone. And that is one of the things I miss. Even though we really didn't watch a lot of football your last year. You were kind of boycotting it. But, you did start paying a little more attention the season that you died. I truly am lost by sports now. Because of the pandemic, I just don't even know what is going on. I mean, I got a news update about the winnder of the World Series and I was like - the World Series was going on?? Just that kind of feeling. I had a full on PTSD attack the other day. I was at work. I had been sitting for a while, so I decided to see if I could go home. One of the re

It's Thanksgiving today, honey bunny. But, we aren't celebrating today. KayeLynn and I are eating casserole and watching movies. Just one of those days. We will be celebrating on Sunday, it's my day off. Crazy to think that now that you are gone I can get part of the weekends off. Been like this for months - since Covid started and turned everything upside down. I did a thing yesterday. I went and traded in my beautiful Veloster for a Tucson. It wasn't brand new, but it was a year newer with 10,000 less miles. I got a thing that the Veloster needed to be updated on it's software for something to do with the variable shift or whatever it is. Took it in, the dude said that it needed a whole new clutch system and it would take up to two days to fix. Well, I don't know if you remember how I reacted when the Compass decided to start needing work, but I kind of freak out about stuff like that. So when I got home, I started looking online for a different

365 days. 52 weeks. 12 months. One year. You're gone. I miss you. I love you. #loveyoumissyou

Happy 186th monthaversary. I love you forever. #loveyoumissyou

Happy Birthday my love!!  I hope you had a wonderful, heavenly birthday.  Doing whatever you wanted to do.   I made it through today ok.  I lazed in bed, not wanting to get out and face the day, for quite some time.  Then I got up.  By the afternoon, I was kind of in a groove.  But, when it came to the evening, I had a really hard time facing being by myself - staying in quarantine.  I was already out.  KayeLynn has to do all the shopping, because I'm not supposed to leave the house.  She was kind of wiped out when it was done, so she asked if I would make your cake.  So - I made the cake and then later made the biscuits and put dinner together.   You see, we had a full on, virtual type dinner.  All in your honor.  Susan thought of it and put it together.  It was all based on a dream she had with you in it.  She dreamt that we had been to visit and we left a box there.  The box was full of Red Lobster things and gift cards.  So she felt that we needed to have a Seafood dinner.  But

 Today was supposed to be your birthday party.  But, it didn't happen.  We had the theatre rented, we were ready.  On Halloween day, after my shift at work, I got a call from my supervisor.   One of the girls I worked with, on a flight, was positive for Covid.   So - I had to quarantine, at home, for two weeks.   Today is day nine.  I have to go through the 14th.  I'm going to do an at home Covid test tomorrow, and try to start venturing out of our bedroom.  Because I'm tired of being locked up and I'm still doing ok.  We'll see how tomorrow goes. Tuesday is your birthday.  I'll try and write then.  We've got a big celebration planned for you.  Susan did it.  She planned a seafood dinner, all based on a dream she had.  So, we are supposed to all have some sort of seafood or C food.  All in your honor.   I can't believe it's almost a year.  I miss you so much still.   #loveyoumissyou

 So in two days, it starts the month of November and the lasts of the firsts without you. We've planned a birthday celebration for you on the 8th.  We're renting out a theatre and watching Elf.  Then we're going to Habit Burger for an effing burger.  It sounds like the perfect way to celebrate your day.   I've been busy!!  I've been doing some remodel work to the kitchen.  It's kind of what we planned.  That kitchen counter top was so very dark.  And the cabinets were just scratched and horrible.  I'm excited by how things turned out.  I got countertops for the main floor bathrooms, too.  It does make me want to stay here.  I keep thinking - if I go there, it's not as nice.  If I go there, it's just not as nice.  So - I'm planning to stay here and keep you close.   Here - I'll leave you with some pictures of the kitchen.  😘😘😘 New sink #loveyoumissyou

 So before I go to bed, I just wanted to tell you about my weekend.  :)  KayeLynn and I flew to Phoenix on Saturday.  We didn't make it on the afternoon one, we had to wait for the one that left at 10:25.  So it was a long day.  She was a trooper.  She was the one that made the decision to wait at the airport.  She was enjoying the people watching. We spent Sunday with Randi, Joe and Lydia.  I took a suitcase full of mementos and stuff.  I just felt like Randi would appreciate the Morse code trainer, so I took it to her.  And she did.  I took photos and a bunch of your stocking stuffers and just a lot of stuff.   😀  Joe and I went and got lunch - Mexican food.  Lots of peppers and onions.  After that, Randi stayed up a bit, but then she had to go get some sleep to work that night.  Lydia, KayeLynn and I put a puzzle together.  We hung out until about 5:30 or 6:00.   Had to take the rental car back, so I wanted to try and get it back before dark - so I didn't have to drive in t

 This week has been stressful, sad, exhausting and makes me miss you so very much.   The new airport opened on Tuesday.  It's monstrous.  I feel I walk 100 times more than I ever did.  Walking in is further - so walking out is.  But it's pretty beautiful.  So - I'm glad we're there.  But, that first morning all I could think of is you.  You would have wrapped me in a big hug.  You would have said, "go get 'em" or "go show 'em how it's done".  I may have even worn the dress, but I don't know.  You used to like the dress just because you liked zipping it up and zipping it down.  Anyway - I just know you would have been trying to figure out when and where we could have gone, just so you could go to the new place.  😊😊😊 My memories are full of our last vacation.  When we went to New England.  That was probably one of my very favorite trips.  I don't know why road trips with you are always in my top faves, but they are.  The memories

 So, the weather turned might gnarly yesterday.  The temperature fell to the 50's.  A super windstorm hit the night before last.  Doing major damage to Raja and Rustie's house - tearing off lots of shingles, blowing down their fence.  They don't have power and neither do Crystal and Brandon.  It's been about 36 hours.  They say it could still be a couple of days.  Zach has been the only one going to school, because his school is the only one that had power.  Rodger and Rustie are in a hotel, because they had to make an insurance claim for their roof.  The wind was horrible, Penny said she prayed to you to make it stop. We were ok here.  No damage.  Still have power.   I did have one problem, though.  The cold air caused my tires to lose pressure.  So I needed to get air in them.  In the past, you would have fired up your monster compressor outside and would have filled them up for me.  This time I had to either take it to the tire store and have them check and fill or d

 So they had a virtual gathering for the Celebration of Life Monument.  They had to do it virtual, because of COVIDSUCKS!!!  Your name was at the end, because of your donation.  It made me cry.  In part because I'm so very proud that part of you can live on through the people who needed your parts and part because I am so sad you are gone.   I love you.  I miss you.  

 Happy 183 monthaversary.   In two days you will be gone for nine months.  NINE months.  NINE MONTHS!!!! I'm just not able to fathom that.   #loveyoumissyou This photo came up in my memories today.  You look so adorable.  I love that face so much!!

 Holy Cow - it's been almost a month since I talked to you.   That is crazy to me.  And I'm sorry.   Life is just turmoil.  It's a strange time.  I truly feel like I'm doing nothing all the time.  That I have so much to accomplish, but no energy or want to get busy.  And when I do get to a point that I want to do something, one wrong thing just destroys my desire to accomplish anything.  Take the master bedroom closet.  I got it all painted, the carpet is ripped out to put the flooring in.  I wanted to add a little femininity to it.  I decided I wanted to have a little chandelier or new light put in.  Found this gorgeous light with crystals dropping down.  Started to put it together and there are no instructions really, all these loose crystals with nothing to put it together with.  So - I guess I'm taking it back.  And now I start again.  Blah.   I think about you a lot.  All the time.  Talk to you hoping you can hear me.  Hoping you're not too mad at me becaus

Good hell, it's been eight months.  Eight crazy, long, short, insane months.  I can't even believe you have been gone closer to a year than not.   I miss you every, stinking day!!!   I missed our monthaversary.  I was really sad about that. So - Happy 182nd monthaversary.   Oh all the ways you would say Happy Monthaversary.  Mostly just reminding me every 12th day of the month.  But, I think my favorites were - when you sent me flowers in Kansas City when I was going to that class and when I was in the shower and you got in, clothes and all, to say it.   You made me very happy.  I'm so sad you aren't here to still make me happy. #loveyoumissyou

Rustie sent a group message yesterday saying Penny made her weepy.  Why?  You say??  Well, Penny was playing a game called Roblox.  I guess there is a game where you can make your own world.  Penny calls Rustie over and says, "Look mommy, it says RIP (rest in peace) on Papa's gravestone."  She had to make sure you were included in her world.  That just made me weepy, too.  Everyone misses you so much.  We all feel it.  Even the littles.   I had a horrible day at work yesterday.  They made me do things I had never done before.  Worked the international arrivals and made sure the people that were connecting put their bags on the belt.  Then when that was done, they made me work the ticket counter.  It was the worst day.  Everything I had to do was something I screwed up.  So - I just don't even want to go back today.   Oh well, life is moving.  Suckily moving.   #loveyoumissyou

Today is the Fourth of July.  You aren't here.  It's kind of a weird one.  No public or big fireworks shows.  No parades.  Just a low key, don't get in big crowds kind of event. We had dinner at Crystal and Brandon's.  Didn't barbecue, had pasta with alfredo, salad, watermelon, garlic bread.  It was a tasty, very different, holiday meal. Then we made smores for dessert.   The kids played in the pool.  And did some snakes and smoke bombs.  It was a good day.   When KayeLynn and I got home, we just kind of watched TV.  Then the fireworks started.  The private, big package fireworks.  I had to go out and sit for a little bit.  I had to watch.  Too many memories flooded about how much you loved fireworks.  I just had to go out and watch for a while.  It was kinda a sucky show, but there were a few good ones.  It was nice and warm outside.   I've kinda been pretty blue the last few days.  Just completely missing you.  I hate that you are gone.  All these things happe

Just had to show you that Crystal made a new sticker for your Jeep.  It looks amazing. #loveyoumissyou

Hello my love. It's Father's Day - I hope you're having a good one.  In my mind, you're with your dad, my dad and you're all having a great time together.  I don't know if it's so, but it feels good to think that is what is going on.   Been really laid back here.  Didn't really do anything, besides clean the kitchen a bit and get some more stuff in the trash.  That's how I spend my Sunday.  Putting crap in the trash.  I know it's your crap - usually - but I have no clue what to do with a lot of it.  Steve and Tom neither wanted any of the phones or anything.  So - unless I feel like it's good for something, it's going into the trash. I still need to get down to Phoenix.  But Covid down there is sooo crazy bad.  Until it gets a little better, I don't dare go.  It's getting worse instead of better, so I'm almost scared to do anything right now.  It's bad enough just working and going to the store. I'm thinking of going t

So - shit has been going down these last few days.  First off, the air conditioner blower, well actually the furnace blower stopped working.  I guess it works both. We went about four days without air conditioning.  I was ready to just buy a new furnace.  Brandon and Crystal was here and we had someone come over to give me a quote on a new furnace.  He ended up telling Brandon what the problem was.  Brandon fixed it for me.  The guy that gave the quote on the furnace went out and got the part we needed.  It cost $400. Now, the garage door is not working properly.  I think it's from where you hit the door and now it's just not doing what it needs to do.  So it will be the front door from here on out I guess.  I am not sure what it's going to cost to get that fixed.   My computer is starting to act up.  I know you would be yelling at me because I keep it on my lap all the time.  The fan seems to be going out.  And the battery is swollen.  So - apparently the whole thing is ju

Well, today was Memorial Day.   I missed you like crazy for crazy reasons.   The breaker kept popping when we were trying to fill the pool.  I had no idea how to fix it.  Thank goodness Raja kind of remembered what you had done.  I had to go down there more than once, since it had popped and I didn't know it.   It's been crazy without you.  I missed my little lifeguard.  

My Facebook memories have had lots of travel memories in it over the last week or so.  I guess it's cuz we always had our annual honeymoons around this time.  There have been photos from Paris, San Diego, Daytona and Disney, Myrtle Beach.  Oh, and don't forget our road trip.   So many adventures.  So many fun times. So much love.  We traveled so well together.  Among so many other things.  But, we were so good when we were on the road.  Oh, sure, there were times when we had our little tiffs.  That was usually because I would get so wound up.  It took you a long time to just let me wind up then wind down.  And still, there were times that you would push the buttons.  But mostly, that happened before the trip. We had so much fun together when we traveled.  I'm so sad that we don't get any more adventures.   But, when you figure how many places we got to go that most people will never see, it's crazy.  Sheesh, who can say they've been to Hawaii for lunch three tim

Happy Anniversary my love.  We have been married for  15 years, 180 months.  Who would have thunk  it. I missed you terribly today.  So I decided to just finish painting and hide away.  So, now I'm completely exhausted.   Do you remember our wedding day??  There is not much that I remember. I remember Rodger giving me away.  I remember saying I wouldn't obey.  Cuz, I wouldn't.   I remember photos and friends and  all that stuff. I remember driving all night to get to Jackpot and starving.  Finally stopping at Subway or something for dinner.  And I don't think it was Subway.   We had a good life. It wasn't always perfect.  But, we had a good life.   #loveyoumissyou

I just counted on my fingers.  It's almost been six months.  I can't even believe that.  It's gone by so fast and so slow. I've been dealing with a lot of depression the last couple of days.  I think it stems from  the fact that I just closed on the new mortgage.  That little link was the last one with our names together.  The jeep is gone.  The mortgage is refinanced in just my name.  Crazy to think that you are being erased from my life that way.  Just legally, not in my memories. I had a hard time the other day.  I decided to take down the rest of your clothes, so I could finish painting in the closet.  I packed up the things I wanted to keep.  Then I started with the clothes that I wasn't sure what I wanted to do with.  Either give to Rustie's dad or Rodger.   One of the shirts I gave you our very first Christmas was there.  I don't know why, but all  the sudden I just broke down.  It  was down to the depths of my soul bawling that came out of me.  I

I don't know what you thought the apocalypse would be, but it is nothing at all like I figured it would be.  I mean, I expected zombies, nuclear bombs, Yellowstone blowing up, meteor hitting the earth.  Who knows.  But, a virus originating in China from a person eating a bat raw is not what I expected.  I never expected that we would have power, running water and all the  luxuries, let alone internet.  I guess that may be why I'm actually ok with this whole apocalypse thing.  Other than I'm very scared about any of our family getting this horrible virus.  We are pretty much locked away.  I go out to go to work and the grocery store.  I try and go once a week on a visit with Crystal and family and Raja and family.  But, we sit outside and there are no hugs.  Can you imagine???  I cannot hug our grandchildren.  It is horrible!!!!!  KayeLynn goes to work and home - and she does the social distance visits with me.  The schools have been out since mid-March.  They aren'

I haven't written for two weeks.  That seems crazy.  It's not that I haven't been thinking about you, I have.  Pretty much constantly. Things are crazy.  Easter came and went.  The only way to see my kids and grandkids was to drive and stand out in the yard  and talk and send distant hugs and love.  I hate this stupid apocalypse. They are talking about starting to open up the world again a bit.  I am expecting that it's going to be shut down or have  another surge of the virus. Work is insane.  So few flights and so few people.  It's kind of hanging steady, though, so we'll see what the next few weeks brings.  Never in my life did I think I'd have people that came and wanted out of first class.  But, mostly people can have their own row - for safety sake.  But, people in first class don't always get that option.  I  now have to call people up on the upgrade list.  Do you want to sit by someone??  Or do you want your own row?? Going to  be a  stra

Just sitting here thinking about you.  I was looking to find  a display box for your flag, the one from your funeral.  I want it special.  Just, right now, can't afford to spend a whole lot.  But, I want to put it up with your ashes and flowers.  Just really want it to be nice and special.  Because that is what you deserve. But,  it also has me getting a bit irritated.  I started thinking about how few have asked about you.  I know that people don't know what to say.  But, I have not heard one word since Steve left.  Never heard one word from your big boss Paul.  I mean, I even had  to kind of fight to get your vacation time that you earned.   Even your family haven't checked to see how I am right now.  Susan did for a while, but nobody just says, hey how are you doing?  I don't know why, all the sudden, that is  just really upsetting me.  I lost you.  You were part of  me.  I would think that people would at least reach out every once in a while and say, you doing ok

I miss when you would laugh really hard.  Just thought about that and needed to share with you. I can't believe you died before the apocalypse.  #loveyoumissyou

Oh my gosh!!!  What a crazy time and you're missing it.  You planned and planned for this.  And now you aren't here to be prepared for the rest of us.  So, after you died, this whole new virus started in China.  It's really not that fatal, like 3% of the people who get it die from it. The problem is, it is highly contagious.  And goes through a place like a fire in the hay. And generally, it's worse for those with other issues and the elderly.   In February it took down a few cruise ships and this month, it's made it's way to the US.  It's been through all of Asia, the middle East, the Caribbean, everywhere.  Now  it's here.  So - in order to kind of lower the exposure, they've asked people to have social distance.  There is a ban of gatherings with ten or more people.  The schools are  shut down for at least two  weeks.  Now restaurants cannot have people inside the restaurants, you have to do delivery, curb side, pick up or drive through.  It'

Happy 178th monthaversary. Damn, you would have been in your element with this shit going on.  It's  like the apocalypse.  I would have no room to store anything, we would have toilet paper up the wazooo and water in  every corner.  I imagine you giddy by this.  #loveyoumissyou

OKAY, today was a big day.  Your Jeep is no longer in our name.  Brandon went and got the financing for it and paid it off.  That gave me what I needed to start the process of refinancing our home for thirty fucking years.  I can't even take it.  It causes me so much stress that I am starting all over with this.  That  means after living here for fifteen years, I now have to pay for 30 more.  I'll be 88 fucking years old when it finally gets paid off.  WTF did you do to me???  I know that sounds horrible, but I hate that I am starting all over with this.  It means I'll never pay it off.  I'll either die or sell.   Who the  hell knows. I talked to you on the way home.  You really were the perfect match for me.  You let me be me.  I can't even imagine there is someone else out there for me that matches me like you did.  So, I'm not even interested in trying. I joined two different facebook groups for widows.  Both are for people of my age and older.  Holy crap

So here are a few of the things I can't do since you died: I haven't been able to change the fitted sheet on your side of the bed.  Or the pillowcase.  Harper and Penny have slept there, but I can't change them. Your water mug that sat next to you with your ice water has not been emptied or washed.  I know that is weird, but somehow it signifies you. I don't watch our TV shows for the most part.  I don't watch NCIS, Bull or a bunch of other shows. I can't sleep on days that I have to work.  I'm exhausted four days a week. I can't take strong sleepy drugs on those days, Melatonin does nothing for me anymore. I don't know if it's a subconscious thing, because you're not there to make sure I get up.  Whatever it is, I'm exhausted.  I'm actually thinking of going a night shift. I know there is more. That is just what I thought of.  And doing our taxes this year is sending me through anxiety hell.   #loveyoumissyou

Not a lot to say today, but I had to share this picture with you.  Crystal found it and it just screams TED.  It used to make me a bit crazy when you would mess with the cashiers and such.  Today, I  would give anything to hear you messing with them again.  #loveyoumissyou

My goodness, it has been a rough couple of days.  I didn't know I had that many tears inside of me.  I was  not crying for so long, that now I am having a hard time stopping. Coming home yesterday, I got a little emotional.  I always do once those grandkid trips are over.  But, I started thinking about the very last time I saw your face.  You looked so at peace.  Just like you were sleeping.  And I had  to walk away from you forever.  Never to see that face again.  I started crying and I couldn't stop.  I had to run out of Rodger and Rustie's house, leaving Harper there, because I couldn't stop crying. Then today, I finally resolved to turn off your phone.  There really isn't a reason to have it on anymore.  There hasn't been a reason for months.  But, I finally decided I needed to take that step.  I wasn't ready for the emotions that it would set off.  Especially when it was done and I wasn't sure if I could hear your voicemail anymore.  I had a tot

Happy 177th monthaversary.  Gosh I miss you.  :)  We got engaged 15 years ago today, too.  Crazy to think. #loveyoumissyou

My love, it's been twelve weeks.  Twelve long weeks.  And you're gone.  I still don't believe it.  I think you're here.  I talk to you.  A lot.  I just feel like you're always here.  Which makes me feel like you're really angry with me because I'm changing everything.  😜😜 I spent a lot of money today to change things.  Trying to make stuff a little more like me, because I'm the one that's here.  You are gone.  I worked on the kitchen this week.  I want you to know that you left me something really nasty!!!  BLECH!!!!!  I cleaned all of the lower cupboards and the final one was the one under the sink.  It was so gross.  We had mouse ick there.  I found mouse ick everywhere, but under the sink was the worst.  When I got to the right side of the cupboard, I found a mouse in one of your traps.  I started gagging and screaming.  It was so disgusting.  It had been there a while.  I swear I had checked more than once.  Cuz I felt like I had been smell

https://www.youtube.com/watch?time_continue=105&v=5QgBRvMmWk4&feature=emb_logo Honey Bunny - they made that commercial for you.  I am just sure of it!!! #loveyoumissyou

So I've decided to give a new name to a certain day of the week.  I will now be calling it Productive Tuesdays.  I'm giving myself a goal to accomplish on that day and doing everything I can to meet that goal.  This Tuesday, I worked on our bathroom and our bedroom.  I finished up most of the painting, there is the other side of the beam that I still need to do, but it doesn't show - so I'm not too worried.  😂😂  Went through your nightstand drawers.  A lot of the stuff in there made me smile.   I also started painting our closet.   I'm doing the same colors as the bathroom.  I made a nice little shrine to you on your nightstand.  Got a picture of you in front of the flags from when we were at the Missouri.  I have your NSA mug with a bunch of little tools in it.  Your Jeeps.  Your Marine beanie and your Get Smart beanie.  One of your floppy hats. Your one Marine hat is hanging above the night stand.  It looks pretty awesome.  As I go through stuff, I may end u

So I've slowly been going through your stuff.  There is so much of it.  Crystal, Brandon and the kiddos were here yesterday while we went through stuff in the bedroom.  Going through your travel stuff was really hard. So many memories and stuff.  Your soap box, gosh.  Part of the way through, Crystal got very weepy.  She gets bloody noses when she cries.  So then she got that stinking bloody nose.  She misses you so bad.  She said Chelsea is signed up for volleyball, but it just isn't going to be the same without the number one fan on the bench.  When we finally loaded up a trailer full of stuff to go to the DI and Crystal, Brandon and the left with it, KayeLynn got all weepy.  It really is a struggle to go on without you.  Every time I see that photo next to my bed, I just realize that I can't believe you are gone.  That face in that picture is just so much of what I remember of you.  Good hell, I miss you.  Going through your stuff is hard.  But, it also makes me

I didn't write on the two month anniversary.  I thought about it, but I didn't. I feel like you are here sometimes, and other times I don't.  Last night was crazy and I am pretty sure you were here.  First off, we had a strange noise from the front of the house and the one kitty kept staring over there.  Then, she sat and stared at the corner here in the living room.  Then all the sudden the Siri, or whatever it is, on your phone went off.  I called one of the kittens a turd, then all the sudden your phone was giving the definition of turd and it was on your phone.  That is the second time your phone has done something like that.  But, the funny thing with this was, I was in the bathroom and your phone was in the living room.  KayeLynn laughed and laughed.  It's good we don't get spooked by the things that happened.  They actually give me comfort. I took away your shoes and some of your clothes yesterday.  It causes me stress, because I think you get upset with

Happy 176th monthaversary.

I just went and boxed up the shoes you had under the bed and the floor of the closet.  That was kind of rough.  I just know you are yelling at me, you wouldn't even let me throw away the raggediest shoes in the land.  You had at least five pairs of black athletic shoes.  I am not sure why.  I think you would always wear one pair until they couldn't be worn again.  But, I do know why - because you could never buy just one of any one thing. Then I went through the shoe boxes you had stuck in the corner.  The suspenders made me smile.  The little souvenirs you have kept from places we have gone.  I didn't even know you still had those things. I hated throwing those things away or boxing things up.  It kills me.  I just hate that you are probably upset with me for getting rid of things.  But, I really don't know what else to do.  I have to start getting things in order.  I may have to sell this house and I can't leave it until the very end - or I'll just be comp

Hello my love.  It's been a few days.  Not that I'm not always thinking about you, I just don't have a lot to tell you from day to day.  It's been pretty normal.  Just working and coming home and trying to accomplish something.  Generally, I don't.  I had specific plans during my days off and I don't think I accomplished but a couple.  Sweeping, mopping, vacuuming and dishes.  I didn't get your shoes gathered up.  I didn't get the bathroom countertop finished.  I didn't get most things done. I heard from Discover Card finally.  I think that is everything.  I'm not 100% sure they aren't going to go after something, but I really doubt you have hidden assets, so I don't know that there is anything to worry about.  But, you know me.  I always will worry. I went to HOA last night.  For some reason, that was giving me anxiety.  I made it through.  I got the proxies out.  They have someone to replace you.  I wanted to knock him off that chai

I know you heard me making fun or making comments about someone.  I am sure of it.  And I shouldn't have done that.  However, I haven't made it secret about how I feel about that person.  But, I know you care about that person.  So - I'm sorry. #loveyoumissyou

Well, my love, the year 2019 is in the books. I would say that with the exception of the last six or seven weeks, that 2019 was actually a great year.  We had a couple of fun trips.  Things were really, actually, wonderful.  Then November 14 came and took you away from me. Well, I made a goal of getting those last few movies in that we wanted to see.  I made it to Knives Out, Jumanji and finally Star Wars.  I felt like I really accomplished something by first walking into a movie theater and second seeing the movies that we had planned on seeing - and doing it by the end of the year.  I managed to hack your movie club, so that was helpful for Star Wars.  😄 Then, yesterday, we kept with tradition and went to the dollar theater.  Rodger was working and Rustie was not feeling well, so KayeLynn and I went and got the two older girls and met with Crystal, Brandon, Zach and Chelsea.  All of us went and saw Playing With Fire and then all the ladies went to see Addams Family and the boy