Notes to Ted

 I'm so sad you aren't here.  I have to face this without you.  Hopefully, I can fight it and get better.  And not have to have a liver transplant.   Please hug on me when you can.

Hello my love. It's your birthday. And I miss you horribly. Been so cranky and angry and finally realized it's because I miss you desperately. Every time I hear the song Lady, I think you should be here to slow dance with me. Every time I see your photo, I kind of stop and stare at you. They make me smile. KayeLynn and I headed to Idaho Falls last Sunday. I was able to get the day off. We decided to go to Red Robin and have an effing birthday burger in your honor. It's not really easy for me to eat a burger, but KayeLynn and I shared and we made a dent. Just for you. I love you so much. I miss you so much. Here is a photo of our effing birthday burger with Dee and the boys. #loveyoumissyou

So I went on our annual honeymoon the last couple of days. I couldn't go last year, because of surgery. Actually, I haven't been on a plane since January 2022, when I took Harper to Disneyland. KayeLynn and I kind of recreated your and my trip to Portland. Our very first time we traveled together on my benefits at Delta. We flew into Portland and slept that night, then we went to the coast yesterday. We went a little North of Netarts, where you and I went, to Oceanside. We spent a little bit of time at the beach, then we went to the Schooner Restaurant. The same one you and I went to that day. We got the fish and chips, like you and I did. We ate a bit, but neither of us were feeling great - so we ended up leaving pretty quickly. We didn't fly back that day, like you and I did. We stayed another night. We did both nights in the hot tub, which was awesome. I missed you very much. It's our anniversary in three days. I can't even believe it. Another y...

Hello my love. I just wanted you to know that I am so happy that you and your mama are together again. I am sure you were trying to be the very first to welcome her. I am sad she is gone from here, but she wasn't in a good place here the last couple of years. I felt really bad that I wasn't able to go visit her - STUPID COVID!!! Give her a big hug from me. I love you more than you'll ever know. And I miss you, too. All I could think of when I heard the news, what a beautiful reunion there was tonight.

Hello my love, Yesterday was your birthday. I hope you had a great one. I hope you had an effing birthday burger - especially since I couldn't have one for you. I got my knee replacement two weeks ago. I'm still hobbling around. I really haven't left the house except to go to the doctor. But I'm getting better every day. But, I still can't eat meat. So that's an issue. I've lost a lot more weight that I ever intended. I'm down to 143 pounds. That's over 100 pounds lost. I always figured I would get to about 160 to 180 and be done. But my own body won't even let me stop losing weight. Today is Veteran's Day. I did manage to hobble out to the garage and get your USMC flag out in your honor. I was pretty proud of myself for doing that. I haven't been using my walker, so that was pretty impressive in my mind. I love you. Hope you had a great birthday. Miss you more than you'll know.

Holy hell. It's almost been a year since I wrote to you. Ten months, actually!! WOW Just thought I would catch you up on a few things. February I took Harper to Disneyland. We had a great time. I love that kid. That was the last time I traveled. Crazy, I know. April, I had gastric bypass surgery. I decided the rest of my life should be as healthy as possible. However, I've been pretty weak since having it. I actually did ok until I had Covid in June. That nearly killed me. Not really, but I got so weak I couldn't walk for twenty feet without thinking I needed to sit down and relax. I'm still dealing with that. Rustie had her gallbladder out on Friday. On Monday, I will be picking up the three girls. They will be staying with me until Saturday. Then I'll be taking them to Russ and Nancy's - I think. On Saturday, KayeLynn and I are heading to Grand Junction. Randi and Iri moved to Delta, Colorado back in May. So, we are going to go see them...

Well, it's been two years. I can't even believe it. I worked all day and kept my mind off things. Since being home, it's not as easy. I love you more than you'll ever know.

Happiest Birthday honey bunny. I hope you're having a wonderful birthay in heaven. I woke up this morning to go to the bathroom, and I threw the covers off. When I did that, I said, Happy Birthday Honey Bunny. As I was walking to the bathroom, the TV turned on. I'm pretty sure I hit a button when I threw the covers off. But, a big part of me wants to believe you were acknowledging me saying happy birthday. I kept busy today. Went through some pictures that came from my mom's house, did laundry. I also went through this hard drive you had photos on and put some of them on zip drives to send to Dee and Randi. I hope they like them. Then KayeLynn and I went to honor you with an effing burger. It's tradition. I love you to the moon and back. I miss you so very much. I hope you have a good birthday.

It's been four months since I've written you. It's been all summer long. So, I thought I would catch you up on what has been happening here at home!!! KayeLynn and I went on your and my annual honeymoon. We went to San Antonio. We went to Sea World there, the Alamo and the River Walk. We had a good time. I wrecked my rental car a bit. Backed into a pole and rubbed some paint onto the bumper. In June, I took the three girls to Lagoon, one at a time. It was a lot of fun. I really enjoyed the trip with Thea. She loves going on the rides so much. I'm sure you met up with Caroline there in heaven. She went to heaven in June. I figure you were one of the first ones to run up and greet her. She died of horrible Covid. I hope you two were able to catch up!! It's been such a miserable and hot summer. In July, the air conditioner started having problems. We tried to fix things and eventually I had to call in a service company. I called Manwill, since t...

Happy 191st monthaversary. I miss you desperate. #loveyoumissyou

So - it's our anniversary today!!! Happy Anniversary. I worked my shift and the day really sucked. My knee is about as bad as it's ever been. The sucky part is that I had a cortisone shot about a month ago. It helped for a day, maybe two and then it started getting bad again. Almost every night, I'm in pain. I get my Delta insurance in July - so I'm just trying to make it til then to figure out what I can do. I have to wait until then for any more cortisone shots anyway. Came home, iced my knee and then decided I wanted to go out to dinner for our anniversary. So KayeLynn and I went to El Rancho - had chips, salsa, chile verde burrito and a MARGARITA!!! Now I'm just sitting home thinking of you. This is our second anniversary with you gone. But, our very last anniversary that we had together, you were running back and forth across the country to meet Aedynn for twenty mintes at the Atlanta airport. I'm ok with that. Aedynn will have that memor...

Oh my gosh, I can't believe it's been over a month since I've written to you. I think about it all the time, but I just can't make myself. It absolutely does not mean I am not thinking about you, all the time, because I do. But, I just haven't felt like writing. I'm getting my vaccing on the 27th. KayeLynn got her first one. Hopefully, the rest of the kids can get theirs soon. They say they'll probably open it up on the first of April. It will be good. Hopefully, we'll start seeing something akin to normal soon. I can't believe that on Sunday you'll be gone for sixteen months. It's lunacy to think about that. I miss you horrible. But, damn, I'm glad I had you for the time I did. Today is our 190th monthaversary!! I'm trying to remember to wish it to you every month. Oh my gosh, I suck at that!!! I just want you to know how much I love you. I miss you so much. Thank you for being the very best husband in the land - ...

It's been a while. I have been meaning to write, but then I don't. I don't know why I'm holding back right now, but something keeps me from writing. I guess I'm just dealing with a lot of stuff right now and don't want to burden you. But, who do I burden if not you? I've been working on cleaning the basement. I just go down there for a bit every week. Saturday, Crystal, Brandon and the kids came over and we loaded up their trailer with a load for the dump. I'm starting to get through some stuff, but it's going to be a long journey!!! I'm dealing with health issues. I have not taken care of myself the last year, since you left. At all. So now, I'm paying the piper. I am now diabetic. My A1C was ridiculous - 14.2. So, I'm now on Metformin and checking my sugar levels three times a day. I've resigned myself to that. But, the scary thing is that my doctor is worried about my liver. So, I have an appointment with a spec...

Well, yesterday was New Years Day. I just want you to know I had a great day!!! And it was all in honor of you!!! Because we couldn't have your birthday party in November - you know, I was quarantined - we had it yesterday. We went and had an effing burger in your honor. I have to say that I was not impressed with Habit Burger. I don't think I'll go there again. Then we rented out one of the Cinemark Theatres in Farmington. We watched the new Croods movie. It was pretty danged cute. But the best part, the kids could just do what they want. Especially my little Stinka. She ran around, stopped by everyone and took their treats. And whenever the sloth said DUN DUN DUN, so would she. We had a dance party at the end while the credits rolled. I have to say, it was the best day I've had since you left me. Maybe it was not our traditional movie marathon, but it made me very happy. I love you so much and your tradition lives on. This year, it was a little ...

So, I am planning to embark on a personal journey and goal. And it includes you. The basement. Oh good lordy, the basement. I can't even believe what you have down there. There is shizz that I have down there, too. But, it has to be done. I have to begin to get through it. So, after the first of the year, I'm going to do it. I heard the term "Death Cleanse" twice in one day. A couple of weeks ago. First by Rustie's mom showed me what she had been doing and called it a death cleanse. Then Randi said the same term and showed me the book she was listening to. So I just downloaded the book and am starting to read it. I am kind of excited about this new chapter. I am terrified about me leaving this world before this is done. I need to make sure my kids are not stuck with dealing with all of this. So - my plan is to go and spend a few hours every week down there. My other step in this is to do a will or a trust. I plan on making sure when the hous...

Well, my love, it's Christmas. The second one without you. I hope you had a beautiful Christmas where you are. I have to say. I had a wonderful day yesterday. Christmas Eve, you know, CoCo Christmas. I was very excited this year for the holiday. I was very excited to spend it with my family. I loved it!! We had Fettuccini Alfredo, Garlic Bread and salad. Brandon brought wine. It was a good day!!! I was worn out!!! Today I worked. I traded shifts with one of the other girls so she could be home for part of the holiday and get home earlier. It wasn't a bad day to work eight hours. I only worked two flights. A delayed Vegas flight and Honolulu. Then at the Help Desk for two hours. I was pretty happy to get home, though. One more day and I'll get my weekend. So much cleaning to do now. I love you so much. I miss you so much. You are missed by everyone. #loveyoumissyou

Wow - it's my 60th letter to you. Just hard to put that into perspective. I told KayeLynn yesterday that I miss football. It's not just the game, but the time with you. Sitting on the couch while you sat on the edge of your chair - remote control in hand - ready to rewind and say, "watch this play!!". You don't realize what you miss until it's gone. And that is one of the things I miss. Even though we really didn't watch a lot of football your last year. You were kind of boycotting it. But, you did start paying a little more attention the season that you died. I truly am lost by sports now. Because of the pandemic, I just don't even know what is going on. I mean, I got a news update about the winnder of the World Series and I was like - the World Series was going on?? Just that kind of feeling. I had a full on PTSD attack the other day. I was at work. I had been sitting for a while, so I decided to see if I could go home. One of the re...

It's Thanksgiving today, honey bunny. But, we aren't celebrating today. KayeLynn and I are eating casserole and watching movies. Just one of those days. We will be celebrating on Sunday, it's my day off. Crazy to think that now that you are gone I can get part of the weekends off. Been like this for months - since Covid started and turned everything upside down. I did a thing yesterday. I went and traded in my beautiful Veloster for a Tucson. It wasn't brand new, but it was a year newer with 10,000 less miles. I got a thing that the Veloster needed to be updated on it's software for something to do with the variable shift or whatever it is. Took it in, the dude said that it needed a whole new clutch system and it would take up to two days to fix. Well, I don't know if you remember how I reacted when the Compass decided to start needing work, but I kind of freak out about stuff like that. So when I got home, I started looking online for a different...

365 days. 52 weeks. 12 months. One year. You're gone. I miss you. I love you. #loveyoumissyou

Happy 186th monthaversary. I love you forever. #loveyoumissyou