Notes to Ted

It's been an eventful week, my love.  We had our annual Christmas Eve celebration.  I already told you about that.  You were so missed.  I got a call from Discover Loans.  I think I've kind of figured out what your bills are or were.  They were really great.  They said they would not go after me for anything, as you didn't have any individual assets.  I guess I need to get brave and try to contact the others. I decided yesterday to try and go through the clothes and stuff on your side of the bed.  Holy crap, dude!!!   You had so many clothes just there.  I haven't even thought about the closet yet.  I think you had more stuff stacked over there than in your closet, actually.  Anyway, I filled up two large garbage bags and the bag from my new comforter.  I will take the stuff to Savers, you had a lot of stuff that people can use.  I mean, geez Louise, you had probably four brand new pair of jeans. ...

Today was our annual CoCo Christmas.  You were missed very much.  Crystal was really struggling today.  It made me sad.  You left a big hole. I filled the stockings with stuff you had in your drawer.  Next year won't be the same, those things won't be there.  It was a good day.  But, the day wasn't the same without you there.  I felt really bad today.  I forgot to tell Mike Brown about your death.  He sent you an email wishing you a Merry Christmas and that he had sent you an email on Thanksgiving and didn't hear from you.  I called him from your phone and had to break the news to him.  I felt really awful about it.  He cried.  I don't know if you knew how much you meant to people.  I miss you very much.  And I know reality is around the corner.  But, I just want one more week of hiding from life.  #loveyoumissyou

I talked to your mom today for her birthday.  She sounded good, but she did sound a bit absent minded.  I think the infection and the pneumonia still has a hold on her brain a bit.  She did say Christmas wasn't going to be the same without you, that she keeps expecting to talk to you. I thought about you a lot today.  I got a little choked up a couple of times.  One of those being when I was talking to your mom.  But, I was also thinking about how I never lost faith in the fact that you loved me.  Never, once, did I ever question that love you had for me.  And I never felt I could not trust you.  I've never had that before.  And I had the greatest man in the world, even when you were cranky, and now you're gone.  It's almost Christmas.  It's going to be a test on me.  I have done the bare minimum to make it through.  And even that was probably half assed.  I finally sent cards to Randi and Dee and the grandki...

I watched you die.  I watched you helpless while you were taking your last breaths.  I watched as they tried to revive you.  I watched as they shocked your heart trying to get it to start again.  I watched as they did everything they could to save you.  But, they couldn't.  They couldn't save you.  I was helpless.  I couldn't do anything.  I just watched. You didn't say a word.  You didn't do anything to let me know what was happening.  I can't even imagine what was going through your mind.  What happened??  Why didn't you say anything?  Could you not speak?  Could you not let me know something was happening?  There was absolutely no clue to what was going on.  There was no idea what was happening.  All the sudden, there you were, on the ground.  I thought you fell.  I thought you tripped.  When I got to you, I realized something was wrong.  You were dying.  In front of...

It's been 30 days.  One whole month.  It's been that long since I've heard your voice, touched your face, hugged you close, kissed your lips, held your hand, laughed at your jokes (or groaned), shared a meal, shared a bed, watched television....just anything.  You've been gone.   I'm not accepting it still.  Your side of the sink is a mess of vitamins and stuff.  I keep thinking I should clean it up, I mean, I could use the space.  But, I just can't do it.  I did take your toothbrush out, cuz I am not great at not grabbing yours to brush my teeth.   I look at all the stuff on your side of the bed and I just can't deal with it.  Clothes, gadgets, googahs, just stuff.  And I have no idea how to deal with it.  The closet is just the same.  And that garage. I have no idea how to deal.  That's just the truth of it.  You left me 30 days ago and I can't deal.  I have no idea how to go on, how t...

I've been dreading Saturday so much, that I didn't realized until tonight when I looked at my computer, that today is the 12th.  It kind of took the breath out of me. This is the first monthaversary that I haven't had you tell me Happy 175th monthaversary.  That kind of hit me a bit.  Because we deserved so many more than we got.  I'll never hear you say that to me again and that really makes me sad. Today, we went out and got two kittens.  I knew that I couldn't leave her here alone if I wanted to travel if she didn't have something.  We had already talked about that.  That she was probably having panic attacks or anxiety when we would leave that she would make herself sick with it.  So, Rustie found some kitties in Sandy and we went and got them today.  I think they were feral kitties, so I'm a little worried.  They seem very skittish and crazy.  But, she is doing everything she can to make them feel at home.  Those kitties...

Oh my good hell, honey bunny, I'm stressed now.  I'm having so much anxiety today I can't even get up off the couch.  So depressed today.  I don't even know how to start this day. I'm still having trouble coming to terms with the fact that you are gone.  I just keep thinking you'll walk through the door at any minute.  It feels like it was just yesterday that you left, but it seems like years ago.  I am having a real rough time even coming to grips with the reality of it. On a positive note, my shingles are getting better. The phone rang with the first bill collector for you.  I don't even know where to start with all of this.  So, I'm just going to wait until you start getting notices and send copies of your death certificate, I guess.  I don't know what else to do.  But, I think that is what caused my anxiety today.  I have no idea how they are going to respond.  Steve has me so worked up over all of this.  So, I'm...

I don't know why shopping is such an overwhelming chore for me.  I just don't know what to buy any more.  I have so many foods that KayeLynn nor I will eat that I am going to have to take to the food pantry.  All those soups that you would buy.  Good heavens.  I truly walked through the store not knowing what to get.  I'm not sure how I spent $120, but I still managed to.  Life is just not the same without you being in it.  With me.  #loveyoumissyou

Good hell, my love, you have sooooo much stuff.  Brandon and Frank came to look at your guns and figure out a game plan to deal with them.  You know how much I hate guns.  Shit, I had absolutely no clue what you had down there. I've made a short-term decision.  I'm going to put aside any money earned from them to go toward any debt that I may have to deal with from what you may have owed.  I am not really sure what else to do, so that's my plan. I'm going to try and stay here in our house.  At least until I have a better grasp of what I can do.  So - I'll use what money I have to keep us going.  Maybe the fates will be with me and some good karma out there and I'll get upgraded and then I won't have to worry about it. I'm thinking of going to Hawaii next month some time.  I am thinking of going to Kona.  All by myself.  I found a Hilton there that is kinda resort like and I can hide away, hang at the beach or the pool and plen...

Hello my love.  Just wanted to talk a minute.  I'm all alone tonight.  KayeLynn is with auntie.  I just realized yesterday was three weeks.  I keep thinking you died on a Friday, it was really close to a Friday, but it was actually on a Thursday.  But that whole night/day/night just felt like one full day, so I get stuck on Friday.  I'm still having trouble coming to terms with the fact that you are dead.  You were bigger than life.  How can you be gone?? Everyone is having trouble getting into the Christmas spirit.  I have the tree up - but it's been up since last year.  I put the lights on that you and I bought, because the others stopped working.  But, no decoration.  None at all.  I went to the doctor yesterday.  She gave me a low dose anti-depressant to maybe help with the anxiety.  It makes me nauseated.  I don't know if that is what has taken away any energy I had, but I truly am having troub...

Today is overwhelming.   And when I say overwhelming, I mean OVERFUCKINGWHELMING!!!! You've left me in a bit of a mess, my love.  I don't know what your debt is.  I don't know what anyone will come after me for.  I am barely able to make my own debt payments, let alone I need to figure out how to pay a mortgage now.  I really, honestly, keep wanting to just ignore anything and everything until after the first of the year.  Why can I not just live in a bubble for three or four more weeks???  Then I'll figure things out. Steve was here.  He's got me even more worried.  I have no clue where to go or what to do.  He's talking about reverse mortgages and all that.  Well, I really don't want to do that.  I want to be able to leave something to the kids.  I guess if nothing else, I'll drain my 401 from the city and pay off your debts.  I'm already planning to do that with mine, so I can continue to live.  WTF...

I didn't realize how overwhelming this was going to be.  Steve is going through and figuring out what is the company's stuff.  I'm trying not to break down.  I'm trying not to just completely have an anxiety attack.  I just want this over. 

This is weird.  I get upset when I don't write every day.  But, I get upset thinking I'm writing too much.  Ah - the conundrums of life.  Do you have conundrums still?  Gosh, I wish you could tell me. Steve is flying in today.  He's coming to collect all the equipment for Voice Carrier that you have.  He called me, pretty much in tears, shortly after you died because he found that you had given him a full inventory of the things you have and where they were to be found.  He found it hidden somewhere in their network in a document.  Hopefully, they really are where you said - I can't imagine they won't be.  We shall see.  There are so many things to be done.  And I really don't want to face them.  I really need to do thank you notes for all the things people sent and the things they did after you died.  I'm a little overwhelmed.  People have been amazing.  I go to work and am inundated by love and hugs....

The one sad thing about that movie was that you weren't there to see it with me.  Gosh dang it - you would have loved it.  We would have talked about it for weeks. #loveyoumissyou

Well, my love, we are going to see Knives Out today, mostly because I know how much you wanted to see it.  We'll see how I do in a theatre, in the same type of row we were in when you left me.  But, I wanted to see it for you.  Last night I was thinking about your mustache.  I know, weird, huh.  But, you know that I have never seen you without a mustache.  Ever.  I wonder if you still have that mustache where you are.  I know that if there is a heaven that is where you are.  I can't imagine you would be anywhere else.  That mustache that on the one side was all freaky.  It didn't sit like the rest of the hairs on your face.  It stuck out, like crazy wire, here and there and everywhere.  You had me cut your hair every few weeks.  And I would trim those crazy eyebrows and then trim up your mustache.  I miss that I will never do that again.  Ever since you started working for Voice Carrier, you really haven't...

I was writing to you on Facebook, but that felt so public.  I decided to start a new blog, so that when I want to talk to you, I could just do it here.  It's still public, but not so public that everyone sees it. It's been over two weeks.  I still can't get the image out of my head of you going down and collapsing on the floor.  Watching those men do CPR on you and try to keep you alive is ingrained into my psyche.  The paramedics shocking you, trying to get your heart started again will always be there in my mind.  Watching you in the hospital, while they tried to bring you back.  Then finally, the doctor saying they had done all they could, and finally breaking my heart.  You were gone.  I still keep thinking it's a nightmare, but it's been two weeks and I haven't woke up. I remember that first date.  That first time we met.  You messaged me, I called you and you said to me, "let me call you back, I'm working on a carburetor"....