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Dear Ted #6

Today is overwhelming.   And when I say overwhelming, I mean OVERFUCKINGWHELMING!!!!

You've left me in a bit of a mess, my love.  I don't know what your debt is.  I don't know what anyone will come after me for.  I am barely able to make my own debt payments, let alone I need to figure out how to pay a mortgage now.  I really, honestly, keep wanting to just ignore anything and everything until after the first of the year.  Why can I not just live in a bubble for three or four more weeks???  Then I'll figure things out.

Steve was here.  He's got me even more worried.  I have no clue where to go or what to do.  He's talking about reverse mortgages and all that.  Well, I really don't want to do that.  I want to be able to leave something to the kids. 

I guess if nothing else, I'll drain my 401 from the city and pay off your debts.  I'm already planning to do that with mine, so I can continue to live.  WTF???  Why does this have to be so complicated.  We never wanted to join monies, we never felt we needed to.  Now I am not sure what the hell is going on and what I'm going to get stuck with.  GAH. 

I went to the doctor today.  I had to go to get my meds refilled.  I have shingles.  She says that's probably due to stress.  I guess it has to come out somewhere.  She is giving me an anti-depressant to take for a while, because of the anxiety I've been dealing with.  I'm truly at the end of my rope in how to deal with everything.  It's completely exhausting.  I just want to go to bed, cover my head and not deal with anything again. 

I wish I knew how to deal with things.  I told the doctor I couldn't cry anymore. That I just got anxious over everything.  She told me that was normal.  I was so glad to hear that, because I thought I was being a heartless bitch because I didn't cry anymore.  I guess I'm just normal. 

I sure wish you would give me a clue as to what to do.  I honestly just want to exist in a bit of a normal way.  Missing you.  But, not be overwhelmed by what the future holds.  I wish you could give me any idea of what to do. 

#missyouloveyou

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